Day 1762, impostor.

Have you ever heard of the “impostor syndrome? It’s when you have the feeling that you are not capable of doing the job you are doing, but the people around you don’t seem to notice your alleged deceit. I have the feeling that a lot of people feel like that every now and then. I have had that feeling, but if others trust you, well…what can go wrong? It is something that plays in your own head, you probably do a good (enough) job, you just doubt yourself, or you are more of a perfectionist that realizes that you are not reaching your own goals.

But in some way, doubting yourself because you expect more is not so bad. I even think that everybody, or at least a lot of people, are impostors, but they just don’t see it that way. A lot of people project an air of confidence and knowledge, specially when you just interact with them for a short while. You probably had these kind of colleagues, when you just started at a job you are all intimidated and impressed, but after half a year you realize that they screw up as much as you do, sometimes even more.

Look at what happened in America on the 6th of January, this big, so called impressive, police apparatus, with tons of confident people screwed up big time. If Iran had known that they could just shopper in a few dozen commando’s, and take over the whole government of America, they would have done that. They spend billions of dollars on security and intelligence gathering, and it seems that they are all incompetent, and the sad thing is that none of them realize that they are impostors, they just find excuses.

It is sobering when you see that a “professional” organization can do such a bad job, it makes you wonder. I am 48 now, that’s not old, but not young either, but there are leaders of counties that are my age, and I assume that they also just try to do a good job. I assume that much older world leaders are not much different then the rest of us, have a look at the results of all there confident posturing and pointing the way. I think there is no one in the world that really knows what is going on, and we all just pretend, because we think the others are on to us.

The poem that inspired me was from Day 1452

It looks impossible

to do

~

so you fake it

If you look at the world from a distance, you realize that it’s just a silly place. That street in your neighborhood where all the screw ups live, that kind of planet. Can you imagine that if the aliens came and asked: who is your leader? That we have to bring him to the whit-house and show them Tr…. that’s the person on top of the pyramid…the pinnacle of man kind…our best example…

Day 1751, looking back, forwards.

In 2016 I came back from a visit to my parents in law in America. My girlfriend is African American* so we were extra exited by what’s going to happen, specially if T…p would win. When we came back at the end of September we anxiously waited till the election where over. It was off course a big disappointment. The good thing is that I started this blog. I already had an other place where I posted my daily pictures and now I wanted a blog again to vent on. I made a whole series of photoshopped pictures of the situation in America and wrote about it. Now it is almost over, I wanted to wait with it but after what happened last night I might as well post it now. I re-upload most of the pictures I made in 2016, and I will tell something about it. I was hoping back then that the readers would understand the pictures, including all the details, but that didn’t happen.

*I asked my girlfriend if I could still use these words to describe her…mistake;-)

We took a drive from Las Vegas to Salt Lake City, this is the most beautiful countryside in my opinion. We drove past this sign that welcomed us into Utah. I changed YOUtah into MEtah as is sign of the selfishness of so many people.
This is a building in Pittsburgh. I have studied the third Reich a lot, it is the best way to understand why well educated people turn into conspiracy crazed murderers. They where cleaning the building I guess, i took the opportunity to make it look like they just installed the sign for the new ruling party. The NSDAP stands for the National Socialist German Workers’ Party.
We visited Gettysburg, impressive. I changed the text on the building and put a leftover sign leaning against the canon. The text is from Abraham Lincoln and is well known and thru: “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.”
This is some random street in America with the expected signs in support for the new leader. I added 6 things…
In the right corner you can see Lady Justice, in front i placed a sign that was standing in front of a beggar, it reads: Dirty Broke and hungry , anything helps .
This was in New York. These people where trowing away a bunch of fashion photo’s. I put all kinds of dictators on it, including one of T…p, maybe you see him. The massage is of course that they belong there.
This is Columbus, the one from the monument at Manhattan’s Columbus Circle. Columbus just landed here in the America’s, he had to call home, telling them that there was a little problem.
I found this really cool idea of some kind of public library in a bird cage. I put the “my country became to rich…I left”sign. It is from Loesje, a dutch initiative that started somewhere in the eighties. The put all kinds of thought provoking signs on random walls, very cool. I also put two fictitious books in there, written by T…p. One of them is called . My struggle, the English translation of the book by Hitler, mein kampf. (I just see that i spelled struggle wrong at the book cover…)
This was taken i some museum. I just changed a bunch of words on it, just look.
There where warning signs.
The Nazi’s are known for their book burning’s, i was afraid back then in 2016 that T…p would not literally burn books but that he would rewrite history in the heads of his followers.
This is the famous dried up lake of good idea’s in Utah. The text at the bottom reads: Erected by the department of the American mind, June 1972.
After four years it is still not clear if every vote should count.
This is what happened in my head when I saw the unraveling of America the last four years, and for most people life seems to just go on.
And this is hopefully the end result. This is a famous picture of Hermann Goering at the Nuremberg trial. Goering was a famous Nazi, he enriched himself over the backs of many corpses. It has really heard me that America was on this path the last four years. If you study what the Germans have done to millions of people in the second world war, then you will understand why even the smallest wink to those day’s is very dangerous. I hope that the people that voted for him stop looking at the horizon in the rearview mirror.

Day 1708, in the corner.

As a grown-up you can still play, I like to play the game where in I regularly look into myself and see what all these years living in an other country do to me. Sounds boring? It probably is for a lot of people, but it is something I like to do. I like to look in the mirror at other things to, but since I live in Norway now for fourteen year, this seems to be and interesting angle.

I had several reasons why I wanted to move to an other country, and why I went to Norway. The main reason is different depending on who I talk to. One of my problems was that my future was not there, and I don’t mean there as in there in the Netherlands but it was just not there. Up to that point I did things that came on my path, the Marines, studying, learning a trade stuff like that. But around the age of…34…Jezus Ch… did I wo(a)ndered around that long? Well anyway, I guess it took me that long to realize that I never have taken it serious what to to with my life. The problem is that thinking like that doesn’t really fit with my philosophy. Moving to Norway looked like a big plan into the future, but honestly it was just a way out, it was after all a big plan.

The other important reason for why I left was my discontent with the Dutch society at that moment. I’ve seen some thing and lived in poor countries where life is much harder than the life I have ever led. For the same reason why I think about living for so many years in an other country I also think about why…why where those people in Cambodia seemingly more exited by the new prospects they had, coming from a place where there is nothing and probably never will be. Compared to all the complaining and specifically the hatred towards other people and strangers. So afraid of the future and the things they might loose or never get. I just didn’t know what to do with the knowledge that one in five people I met on the street or within the group of people I knew, voted for a party that, if it where 1932 Germany, would lead them at the road to the concentration camps.

And I know that things will probably not go that way, but if you study history and try to look and understand how politics was perceived in those day’s, you will find that many normal people had understandable reasons for why they voted, for instance, for the Nazis not knowing that they slowly went along with the more extremist standpoint that where preached louder and louder. Even if no one in Holland wants to be a Nazi or will become one in the foreseeable future, the fact that you hop on the yrain that might lead that way is alarming enough for me. That’s why I also left to Norway, to escape the confrontation with these people, who were sometimes my friends and or colleagues.

Why did I Thought about this today? Two reasons. First I found this Haiku from Day 811.

The land behind me

a haze waning in the past

clearing the future.

Secondly, I listened by accident to the radio today and I understand that a certain party is getting bigger here in Norway that I might not like. I purposelessly don’t integrate here in Norway insofar the politics go. I am helped by the fact that most Norwegians don’t talk about, in the Netherlands everybody does…well almost.

I don’t know why I have such a problem with it. Most people I know condemn these parties and devastating ideologies, but somehow they don’t feel the urge to migrate to an other country. I have asked them how they do it but I have never gotten a satisfying answer. I guess my kindergarten teacher was right, I asked way to mush questions, I had to stand in the corner…and don’t look at the group.

Day 1638, clown.

They say some clowns

clown

because they touch

sadness

with one hand

~

while you

only feel it

~

but some clowns

clown

without knowing

that there is

sadness

Day 1597, urge.

Day 1597.jpg

The windows

I look through

al look

at the same

~

in the one window

I can see it all

a bit more

from the right

~

in the other

from the left

~

and from the window

in the middle

it all comes straight

towards me

and then I feel

an urge

Day 1342, more forgotten.

Day 1342.jpg

A roof

the least appreciated

of what our ancestor

invented

~

more forgotten

then what came

from under its protection

~

culture

politics

~

maybe

looking at the stars

is not that bad

Day 1168, politics.

Day 1168-1.jpg

My head hurts

from

fumes from the sewer

from decaying heads

stuck in polished mire

spewing their gaseous hate

from

politics of the cynical, the haters

believers in another life than this.

Nochrisis

Day 1131, a vast landscape.

Day 1131-1.jpg

I open the door

and lead you to my window

to show you from the inside

what I see outside

~

a vast landscape

shallow waters

deep swamps

a sunset

~

the shortening shadows

snakes hiding place

and lions roam

on the baron ground

~

and men, still marches

in goose step

blindly, to obey

it’s inner ape

Nochrisis

New life

CVG_6650

The grownups of this world decided to go to war again, people still hate each other and don’t understand that we only have this life, and that we shouldn’t discard it so easily.  The people in power are as ignorant as we all are the only difference is that they are in power. The air of knowledge and certainty hanging around them is a mirage originating from our own mind. What can we do? Not much. I read books to learn and think about it, write about it. But that’s about it, or not? Walking outside you don’t realize that the human world is a rotten place, it’s quite nice and the little lambs are walking around already, would the warmonger feel something when they see something like this? Natures clock is just ticking on regardless it’s children that don’t see its beauty.

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