There is theory, and practice. In theory I probably know more about human behavior then the average person. And that’s not bragging, average just mean that I share a place with 3 to 4 billion people, but modesty is also a vice.

I think that by the time I left my parents house, out of that bubble into a bigger one, that I started to look away from my navel and into the world. Moving from a small village to a big city, and later, joining the Marines. Around that moment I started to see the people around me as characters, characters with there own little traits and colors. Like cars, there are thousands of them, but you can separate them into kinds, brands, worn-out, or brand new. I didn’t just see unique individuals, but also all the similarities. I was intrigued, but either I didn’t know how to ask, or no one had a clue what I was talking about. It felt like I was the only one seeing this, and asking these questions.

I was just interested in how this all, being here, on this rock, works. I just turned eighteen and life lived me for another 5 or 6 years, till one day I walked into a bookstore. It just happened to be that I lived close to a place in Holland, it is called Deventer, and they have, or had, once a year the biggest open air bookmarket in Europe, and because of that there where dozens of book antiquarians located in the city. It was not hard to find a nice bookstore and look around. I remember vividly that I didn’t look at all the so called “self help books” where people offer answers to life’s questions. I had seen enough of the world by then to realize that a lot of people proclaim to have the answers to life’s questions, but how can you have a thousand different answers to that one question? I learned early on that if you read a book about life and you walk away with answers, you have read the wrong book. A good book leaves you with maybe one or two hints to an answer, but many more questions.

Something was not right so I walked past the 5 or 6 bookcases full with these questionable self help books to the one bookcases where I saw two shelves with books about philosophy. I new about philosophy, but I am also a visual person, and the quiet book covers, without bold statements, told me that these books didn’t need to lie to me, to be sold. I still remember one of my first books, it’s a Dutch book wherein several philosophers write about the place where reason goes over into…unreason.

I try not to write more then 500 words every night and I am getting there, but I am still far away from my point… The poem I chose for today was from Day 1226, written in August 2019.

Shadows sometimes stay behind

when you leave

I wanted to write a few words about why I am so busy with this stuff and then give some insights about the poem I wrote. I will keep it short: have you ever left a room full of people, and a few hours, or minutes, later you start to wonder what kind of impression you left behind. Your deceitful mind plays a trick on you, and misremembers the conversations you had, and you wonder if that stain was there all along. That’s the shadow that stay’s behind, and clouds the past.

We all play different roles in our lives. According to Martin Heidegger, a German philosopher from the 20^th century, are we “thrown into the world”. What this means is in short that you are born into a past, a past that determined the country, family and the body(genes) you “live” in. What you are, and what you become through your upbringing and education are factors you have little to no control over. Later in life you can “steer the ship” you are in gently. but the current, your past, will take you to where in flows.

The poem I chose for today is from Day 1118.

Some stand in front

alone, brave, by choice?

Or, did the others retreat, wisely?

The first line speaks for itself, we all know those people that don’t hesitate to say the first words or point to a direction for where to go. We all have played that role, some more then others, but even the shyest person one day will lead a group of children across the street, feeling all brave.

Leading a group is often a task you do alone. If you don’t know where you are going you might call yourself brave. If you know where you are going, you just do what is expected of you. You could say that people that follow a leader, specially one that doesn’t know where to go, brave, but also cowards, or loyal.

Is it always a choice to be the leader? If it is in you character to lead, and this urge is stronger then in the other people in the group that is in need of a leader, you might say that it is not a choice. If you compete with others you might actively promote yourself or assume the role without asking, that’s a choice. You don’t choose the trades you need to be a leader, you can choose to lead, but so do people that lack these trades.

It can also happen that, when the question of who’s going to take the lead comes up, the rest of the group slowly retreats in silence, and you, the naïve one, gets the task. You still get all the blame, but without the pride of a choice.

This morning on my way to work my thoughts interrupted my listening to an interesting podcast, I tried to ignore it, but finally gave in. The scenario played in my head that one of my colleges, who I told the other day that I am interested in philosophy, would ask me what philosophy is according to me. There are many ways you can answer this question, but the one that popped up in my head, all fresh, was that I would ask him if he has an opinion about something, and he probably would say yes, and then I would tell him that he should ask himself where that opinion comes from. That’s philosophy in a nutshell, asking questions and especially to yourself and I would also add that there is no end to this questioning besides fatigue. I was, and am quite satisfied with that short answer and can’t wait to use it one day. Also yes, I asked myself if it makes sense, and me writing about it now is part of that questioning.

I tell you this because philosophy can go abstract fast but in the example from above it is something that everybody can do. One of the abstract questions has to do with the poem I wrote for Day 959.

You perceive, observe

the other – object – adverse

it was my intent

How do I know if the other person is not just an object that miraculously mimics a human being or what they call in philosophy the “problem of other minds” or more fancy: solipsism. I am not going into this to deep for now, you can look it up on the web but in short it is the idea that we can not know for sure what’s going on outside our mind or if other people have a mind and think like you. Related to this is the thought experiment the “brain in a vat” wherein a scientist puts your brain in a vat, connects it to a computer and you would not know the difference when you experience the world compared to when you where still in your flesh an blood body. The computer tells you that you listen to music and you experience it like that including the living room you sit in.

But besides these more abstract questions you can also ask yourself if you treat someone else as an object when you interact with them. If I want to pay my groceries I don’t treat the cashier badly when they are just part of the whole “experience”. Imagine your busy and thinking about stuff, you walk to the counter, put your groceries on it, look at the numbers, take your credit card, look at the face hovering somewhere above the counter and quickly see if it has an expression of: you can pay. You pay, say hi with a quick move of your face in the direction of that person and you leave. Think of it, or try it out, can you remember the face of the person that helped you? They have done some great experiments with this where they changed the person with another halfway through the conversation and a lot of people don’t notice it.

Is the person in this example not just an object on your way out? For you it is, in that moment, but it is of course a person and would that person suddenly fall ill in front of you, you would be released of your spell and help. Like you would if the cash register breaks down when you want to pay, and you see the problem.

Sometimes your past, or more specifically the plans from your past, come speeding towards you faster than you go forwards. This can happen suddenly, when you open a dust covered box from the attic, or power on your old Nokia phone from 2002 and look at the call history. Old plans, memories and wishes cling to us, hidden from sight, ready to appear uninvited.

These unwelcome or forgotten parts of your past horizons are often a byproduct of some sort of transformation. Your relation ended in tears which are dried up and forgotten by now, but the breakup made you move and because of that you found a job that changed your life, and horizon.

The pasts that follow you have many facets. And like a diamond they are hardened by the pressure of time, forgetfulness and bias. The different sides of your past memories are also sharply divided, a tragic loss can be cut next to a new hope.

But no matter what, your past made you who you are know, and should be admired like you admire a diamond. Don’t forget that your past might be ugly like a lump of coal, but without that peace of coal and some pressure you will never shine like a…

My inspiration for today came from the poem that belonged to Day 901.

Rime and horizon

facets of transformation

speeding behind you.

I like the word rime. Your past can be frosty and no matter what, you always look forwards to a horizon, even if you go backwards. But rime is also old English for rhyme. I used the facets and diamond analogy above but you might as well use rhyme or poetry as an analogy for your past. In your head your past can be ugly but for your own sake you make it rhyme so you can remember it more fondly.

Like we do, words can also mean something else if they are surrounded by other companions. It is far from polite to say everything you want in someone’s face. I can’t imagine a society, now or in the past, where that would be appropriate. You don’t tell your new boss that he’s a lying peace of… you wait with that till your home, with another companion, or when your quit or know and respect each other. Strangers might curse at each other, but a stranger with who you have to build a relation should not be told the (your) truth when you just met. We all know this truth, or call it “normal behavior”, even if we don’t follow it or have some kind of (mild) sociopathic behavior.

So what we say depends on where and with who we are. If you follow the ideas of Darwin and his evolution theory, you can imagine that a person that constantly tells what he thinks of others will quickly be thrown out of the group, and thus has a hard time procreating. Its a little simple the way I tell it but our social behavior has a link with our success in evolving. Some behaviors are more attractive and beneficial than others. Can you imagine that the strongest male still would mate exclusively with all the females in the group, that behavior died off early in our evolution, though its echo might still be seen in some of us.

With our words and where they are, or how they are interpreted, we have an easier time understanding the rules though there might still be some evolution involved.

In the poem that I chose for today (Day 893) I used a word you can read in different ways and so change the interpretation of the poem.

Remains after fall

a relic of dignity

prosaic delight.

The picture that accompanied this haiku can probably be guessed. When its fall (autumn is the more formal name for this part of the year) the majestic flower slowly dies and that can make you reminisce about summer. But we can also reminisce about our, or someone else’s fall. Like falling from grace or favor. Your dignity can be bruised after you “fall from your high horse” and many will take delight in that.

Words are funny, I looked up the word fall and there are many ways you can interpret and use this word, maybe the word fall is THE equivalent for the word human.

I have this video game I like to play, its called HOI4 or Hearts of iron 4 for the noobs among you. Its a war simulation game where you spend a lot of time preparing before the action starts. I like this part, preparing, organizing, planning and I always tell myself that if the wars start I keep this meticulous organizing going on. But soon the haze of war takes over and I make some general plans and press the go button, feeling sad by the waste and eager for a result.

The poem I wrote on Day 876 of my project goes about this feeling.

Grey sky surrounding

the wind propels you forwards

leaving you behind.

If you see the picture that belongs to this poem you understand why I wrote it like I did. One of my goals when writing these poems is to also describe the picture, sometimes quite literally.

My take on it now:

Sometimes we can be so focused on a task, day, or part of our life that we feel driven by an external force. We work, we do, we go and when its time, we look back in wonder…what just happened? You where left behind, and the world lived you, til you circle back around and see yourself watching, from behind.

Have a good Sunday (or Monday).