From a notebook, 2004

I close my eyes and look for a point I can stand on, a fixed point in my thoughts. Although “thoughts” is not quite right, I try not to think, but to feel some kind of grip. Why do I do this? Somehow I have a memory of a state of mind that was different from now. I assume that back then I had certain certainties or simply accepted the given answers.

Around the age of twenty, my innocence took its first hit, after my school years. School was not yet the real world to me. After turning eighteen, and especially after school, I expected to enter a world of rationality, no more childishness. My first mistake was thinking that you should always do your best, stay alert, and remain eager to learn. It turned out to be character traits. My fellow marines did not appreciate that, and I was deeply disappointed that my effort was not valued everywhere. Not because I wanted recognition, but because to me it was the most natural thing in the world to simply do your best, especially as a marine. I also felt that I was not at fault. Here I touch on an important point, something I have been thinking about a lot lately. How can you judge or condemn someone’s character, or ingrained, imagined, or suppressed behavior? Fine, judge, but condemn. Everyone should know how difficult it is to truly change.

I notice I am drifting. I started with the feeling of having no foothold and now I am analyzing one of its causes. I drift quickly. In theory, having no foothold is ideal. If you need nothing, nothing can disturb your peace. But that is difficult, and it is not easy to create something meaningful out of a nihilistic worldview. I wish I believed in God and that all of this served some purpose, that would make it much easier to bear. Unfortunately, I do not have that character or ingrained, imagined, or suppressed behavior.

 

• Most people do not see life as a game
• I see life as a game
• A game should be played seriously
• I take life seriously, but it remains a game

I found this in one of my notebooks, without any context. It is from 25 years ago, I think. These notes are interesting because so many thoughts and good ideas are gone, but this is at least something, even though it stands alone, without much context, as I mentioned before. 

 

Notes

• I’d Rather Bang My Head than bow my way through life.
• The purpose of life is life itself.
• Human life seems special, but we don’t even know if we’re alone.
• Something can only be special if there’s more than one.
• Memory, the deathblow to truth.
• Creation is beautiful, but its name is wrong; there is no creator.
• Memory is our creator from which our own creation began.
• Memory does not forget itself, there the I was born.
• I change every day yet remain more of the same.
• The trick memory played, and so my I was made.

Fear of Death

• What do we know about death?
• What we know of this life and of this reality
• It can end at any time
• Fear of death means fear of the uncertainty about when it will come

No More Nonsense

• No small talk or idle chatter
• Work on your “book of life.”
• Make sure you are always at a high point, always moving upward or downward, and if you are on flat ground, make sure you are going somewhere.
• Avoid stagnation
• Stillness is good, but not for nothing, with purpose

Write Your Life

• Fantasize about your life
• Be the hero
• Don’t forget reality, your work, friends, and everything else
• Be selfish, fantasize about what you want
• Invoking responsibility is self-deception
• Others can play a role, but that is their responsibility. Your life is too short to wait for them.