Day 997, speak to yourself.

Day 997-1.jpg

Intertwined with loneliness,

the silence when you speak to yourself.


Verweven met eenzaamheid,
de stilte wanneer je tegen jezelf praat.


I always lived more in my head than in “real life”. Life is something I am interested in ever since I started thinking for myself. I studied it, read countless books about psychology, philosophy and on many other related subjects. I probably have more theoretical knowledge about it than most people, but, that’s only theory. When it comes to the practical part of it, living and working with the people around me I fail. I’m socially awkward, it is probably something “baked in” to me, maybe I see (and try to understand) to mush and that has overwhelmed me from the beginning.

I have always challenged my teachers and later my bosses. Asking question and seeing through their habits. I still do it, to the detriment of my career(s). Some of them knew how to deal with me and gave me a walled garden where I could play undistracted. Others try to force me to walk in line like the rest of the kids my colleagues.

Because I can’t lead or be led, I distrust people that think (or act like) they can. That is not fair off course but leading a group of people is hard. I maybe met one or two people in my life that where good in being a leader in more than one facet of it. We can all learn a few tricks to become a better leader, but I think that 99% of the people that think they can lead can’t.

I often tell the story from when I was a Marine when the conversation goes about what kind of group dynamics work the best. It was with in the beginning of my half year basic training when we as a group got the order to set up a big tent. No one had ever seen a tent like that, so people started building, some try to organize and others where standing around trying to understand it all, you know the dynamics. It took forever, probably more than an hour and it was a mess getting there. After the half year, where we worked intense with each other we got the same challenge with a similar tent and now it took maybe 15 minutes. Everybody just worked, looking at each other and anticipating. A half year of intense training is not necessary to make you obey orders, contrary, it makes a team out of a group of strangers that don’t need orders to complete a task.

These group dynamics are hard to reproduce in civil society, but it has taught me that it is possible. We don’t need leaders to fulfill a task we set ourselves.  If we are like animals than we shouldn’t confuse our leaders with the strongest lion or biggest ape, strength and a big mouth is not a qualification for being a good leader.


Friedrich Nietzsche, Day of dawn

  1. The Brake. – To suffer morally, and then to learn afterwards that this kind of suffering was founded upon an error, shocks us. For there is a
    unique consolation in acknowledging, by our suffering, a ” deeper world of truth ” than any other world, and we would much rather suffer and feel ourselves above reality by doing so (through the feeling that, in this way, we approach nearer to that ” deeper world of truth “), than live without suffering and hence without this feeling of the sublime. Thus
    it is pride, and the habitual fashion of satisfying it, which opposes this new interpretation of morality. What power, then, must we bring into operation to get rid of this brake? get rid of this brake? Greater pride? A new pride?


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