Day 3669, a game.

From a notebook, 2004

I close my eyes and look for a point I can stand on, a fixed point in my thoughts. Although “thoughts” is not quite right, I try not to think, but to feel some kind of grip. Why do I do this? Somehow I have a memory of a state of mind that was different from now. I assume that back then I had certain certainties or simply accepted the given answers.

Around the age of twenty, my innocence took its first hit, after my school years. School was not yet the real world to me. After turning eighteen, and especially after school, I expected to enter a world of rationality, no more childishness. My first mistake was thinking that you should always do your best, stay alert, and remain eager to learn. It turned out to be character traits. My fellow marines did not appreciate that, and I was deeply disappointed that my effort was not valued everywhere. Not because I wanted recognition, but because to me it was the most natural thing in the world to simply do your best, especially as a marine. I also felt that I was not at fault. Here I touch on an important point, something I have been thinking about a lot lately. How can you judge or condemn someone’s character, or ingrained, imagined, or suppressed behavior? Fine, judge, but condemn. Everyone should know how difficult it is to truly change.

I notice I am drifting. I started with the feeling of having no foothold and now I am analyzing one of its causes. I drift quickly. In theory, having no foothold is ideal. If you need nothing, nothing can disturb your peace. But that is difficult, and it is not easy to create something meaningful out of a nihilistic worldview. I wish I believed in God and that all of this served some purpose, that would make it much easier to bear. Unfortunately, I do not have that character or ingrained, imagined, or suppressed behavior.