Day 1771, metronome.

I have a sad undertone in my life, my internal metronome swings from left to right, uneven before every step. The strange thing is that I am outwards, and inwards a positive person. Sure, I like to complain, but I do that merely to hide my detachment for what is trivial.

The poem from Day 1547 goes about the scars we all have.

There are day’s

that I look down

and feel good

about the scars that I have

These scars can be carved in your flesh, but also in your soul. My own scars are not a source for sorrow for me, I look down at them, and almost always feel good about them. I don’t know why I have this positive attitude, one rationalization is the simple fact that you can’t turn the clock around and change things. I am also happy with who I am now, despite all that has happened in the past. I might also have liked the person that I would have become, if things had gone differently , but that is like looking in the future of an alternate universe.

I sometimes try to tell people that they should forget the past, or put it in a better contexts, but I know that this is like a musician telling me to keep the rhythm. Maybe you can learn to be more forwards looking, but I know a lot of people that seem to be born with a certain preference in either direction. Some people change after they fallen down hard, the chock can help, but also in this case, in either direction.

Maybe Nietzsche was right when he wrote that one of the best blessing we can have is: having a bad memory. I have forgotten all the stress that you get immediately after a setback, I remember that I had stress, but that dark cloud is absorbed. Maybe the stress and sadness got absorbed by the sad rhythm of my internal metronome, maybe it drives it.

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